It's All About Context

Everything is about to change!  I start school on April 2 which I am excited but nervous about.  I haven’t been a full time student since Cosmetology school and I couldn’t even finish that.  Although it was much more time consuming, physically taxing, and I still had to maintain employment, something I don’t have to do now.  I’m also going to be moving into a permanent spot near campus in a cute little house which I am definitely excited about.  I spent almost a month trolling craigslist and going on these “blind date” house interviews, which I am terrible at.  I never know what to say and I guess I have too much pride to try and suck up to these people and try to convince them that I’m awesome or something.  But that’s done with and I am very relieved.

I have, however, been struggling with moodswings.  It’s gotten substantially worse with the increased free time and decreased productivity I’ve had the past few months, and I know the stability of having a schedule should help but it’s not like I ever not have problems with it.  And maintaining the schedule is a whole other struggle.

 I’ve come to realize there are three basic areas in your life that you must maintain; home, work/school, and social.  I’ve noticed that usually as soon as I fix one area of my life, something goes awry in another and since things seem to be looking up with school and home, I’m pretty much just waiting for my relationships to come crashing down around me.  Obviously it would help if I were more positive and I constantly think about how I should just try to be awesome all the time and awesome things will happen.  But it’s really not that simple or easy.

I’m already aware of my self-destructive nature which generally includes sabotaging anything good I have going on, whether I try to or not.  I’m just exhausted from the last 4 years altogether.  Every day is mentally exhausting regardless of if I am even doing anything or not.  I’m tired of it.  I want out.  I would like to just have a vacation from my brain and know what it’s like to not struggle so much with EVERYTHING.  It’s putting a strain on my relationship and close friendships, as it always has.  I am practically incapable of maintaining a relationship and I feel terrible about it.  I feel like an awful friend and partner because I can’t figure out how to appropriately deal with even the smallest of issues.

The advice I get is all the same.  Proper diet, exercise, staying active.  All of which are nearly impossible for me.  ”You just have to make yourself.” Oh ok, didn’t realize it was that simple.  

I think Melancholia illustrated what severe depression is like best.  Being fortunate, having everything you could want, but not caring and still feeling shitty.  It’s incapacitating.  Not only does depression take over but you feel even worse and guilt ridden about the fact that you are so fortunate and still apathetic and depressed.  Every day.

I’m also tired of bitching about this.  For once, practically everything is going my way and yet I’m still not happy.  I’m insatiable.  I can find the worst in everything. I feel like I’m not taking advantage of what life has to offer because I feel too awful or I’m just apathetic.  I’m missing out on a lot.  I don’t know what to do because I’ve tried everything.  Therapy, medication, vitamins, exercise, diet, new hobbies, moving cities, socializing, etc.  All I’m doing is self destructing and hurting the people I am close to, and for that I can’t stand myself.  I guess that concludes my current thoughts.  I hope to have something more positive to report in the near future. 

I feel like such a shitty person.

Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.